IN SEARCH OF THE STORY (in new directions)

in which Susan is right; something else always happens

Her?

“A failure of nerve. About writing. (And about my life — but never mind.) I must write myself out of it.

If I am not able to write because I’m afraid of being a bad writer, then I must be a bad writer. At least I’ll be writing.

Then something else will happen. It always does.”

 — Susan Sontag, 7/19/79, New York

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This way for R&R

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back in September, I was PMS-ing
& thinking about the new moon in Virgo.
listen, I don’t even know what that means,
really, not on September 18, 2023,
& certainly not today, November 26, 2023,

but the thing is, I was full of it that day,
running my mouth & then
rundown with regret

my mind plays tricks — like this —

I’m cribbing from my own entries!
& fooling us into

believing

it’s

a POEM!

you’ve gotta talk about these
THINGS,
they say,
but once I start
running my mouth
there’s no telling when
I’ll shut the fuck up again

so instead I write a lotta notes to myself,
like: what happened to GAYL JONES??!
& idea: getting away with it
& other idea: get to work
— all these quiet, meaningful revelations!

Write more essays in style of: ‘on the [X], I consider’
(see: ‘on the eve of my mother’s birthday, I consider’)
ON THE EVE OF MY PERIOD STARTING,
I CONSIDER! (LOL)

It’s groundbreaking stuff, truly.

Meanwhile I’m still caught up on S.S. as usual
& just when I’m nearly convinced
I’ve lost my own nerve, again,
I found it from the not-so-distant past
in lines like,

I’m running into my ex in the produce aisle,
looking fly as fuck —
that is, me —
he is
blurry, faint.
I like this,
it suits me just fine.
I am 3D.
I glow.

I am making a collage again
& I am talking
tons
of
shit.

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