IN SEARCH OF THE STORY (in new directions)
in which Susan is right; something else always happens
“A failure of nerve. About writing. (And about my life — but never mind.) I must write myself out of it.
If I am not able to write because I’m afraid of being a bad writer, then I must be a bad writer. At least I’ll be writing.
Then something else will happen. It always does.”
— Susan Sontag, 7/19/79, New York


back in September, I was PMS-ing
& thinking about the new moon in Virgo.
listen, I don’t even know what that means,
really, not on September 18, 2023,
& certainly not today, November 26, 2023,
but the thing is, I was full of it that day,
running my mouth & then
rundown with regret
my mind plays tricks — like this —
I’m cribbing from my own entries!
& fooling us into
believing
it’s
a POEM!
you’ve gotta talk about these
THINGS,
they say,
but once I start
running my mouth
there’s no telling when
I’ll shut the fuck up again
so instead I write a lotta notes to myself,
like: what happened to GAYL JONES??!
& idea: getting away with it
& other idea: get to work
— all these quiet, meaningful revelations!
Write more essays in style of: ‘on the [X], I consider’
(see: ‘on the eve of my mother’s birthday, I consider’)
ON THE EVE OF MY PERIOD STARTING,
I CONSIDER! (LOL)
It’s groundbreaking stuff, truly.
Meanwhile I’m still caught up on S.S. as usual
& just when I’m nearly convinced
I’ve lost my own nerve, again,
I found it from the not-so-distant past
in lines like,
I’m running into my ex in the produce aisle,
looking fly as fuck —
that is, me —
he is
blurry, faint.
I like this,
it suits me just fine.
I am 3D.
I glow.
I am making a collage again
& I am talking
tons
of
shit.
related:
ON THE EVE OF MY MOTHER’S BIRTHDAY, I CONSIDER
“I get so nostalgic for you sometimes” — Julie Byrne Pt. 1 – Agnès “A beautiful summer fruit with a worm inside,” so Agnès Varda described her film, LE BONHEUR, and I’m obsessed with the concept, and Agnès, too, or at least I am this week, having watched CLÉO FROM 5 TO 7, LE BONHEUR, and VAGABOND in rather rapid succession over the course of a few days.
Loved: 3D & Glow! 😎 Fantastic post.